Friday, July 27, 2012

Struggling...

Hello Friend, 

     I have been thinking about blogging about this certain topic for a while but I wasn't real sure if I wanted to really open up this part of me to the "great wide world" Plus you all know how I feel about jumping on the band wagon. However I thought that well, since this blog is (as self centered as this sounds) all about me, that maybe this would give me some accountability. What I am talking about it health and fitness and that dirty W word... Weight. 
    When I first started just asking around about how other people keep in shape I heard a lot of flack. 'Oh, you look fine', 'Loose weigh where?'Honestly I know, I'm not a huge person, but here is the deal. I have been been somewhat thin most of my life, and I attribute that to the fact that I was always a VERY active child and even in high school and college my idea of fun was to go for a walk or get outside and play. Plus I think I was blessed with a pretty snappy metabolism. 
     However in the last year a lot of things have changed. First big one, I got married! Second I got a job that requires me to sit behind a desk 40 hours a week. Last is something that I don't talk about much but I also had a fierce battle with depression for a while. All of these things have added up to the fact that I pretty much ate whatever I wanted and I wasn't spending near enough time being active. On top of all of those things I am not really on speaking terms with my blood sugar. I am hypoglycemic and my blood sugar is moody to say the least! Please don't get the idea that I am one of these blaming people that wants to pawn off my lack of exercise and weight gain on my circumstances, I am completely aware that it is all about choices, and I made some pretty stinky ones there for while. All of that has added up to about 20 lbs that I have gained in the last year. Nothing scary but definitely 20 lbs more than I want to be carrying around!
     Lately though I have been fighting my human nature and trying to make better choices. You see I believe that my health is not about one pivotal life changing choice but a lot of little choices every day that add up to who I am. That can even be said about my spiritual health! I wanted to fill you all in on some of the choices I am making because I have this really bad habit of felling awful, making a change and then getting completely burned out about 2 weeks in! so here goes!
     First up is the exercise. I have a love/hate relationship with traditional exercise. You see I was a dancer all the way through high school so I know that real exercise can be fun, it doesn't have to be boring or mind numbing. For that reason alone I have identified I am not a runner. I just can't make it more than 3 miles before my brain gets completely bored, and then I begin to dwell on how far I have run, how long I still have to run, the fact that my knees ache. Needless to say running and I, we aren't a match made in heaven, we go out on an occasional casual date, but nothing serious. 
     I have also tried a few work out videos. The one that I have really seen the best results with is the Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred. While I like the results I see, and the minimum time commitment, I just have to say it. She gets on my very last nerve! Grrr Ha ha ha She's excellent as a trainer and I am still trying to work my way through this program but honestly she is getting to me! 
     Now at the moment, I am biking. I have borrowed my parents stationary bike and have been biking about 12 miles every day for 16 days or so. Actually I love this, I can read still be getting in a really good sweaty work out. That or I can watch 3 episodes of 'Say Yes to the Dress' on Netflix! However I am going to have to redefine my routine, since I will be returning the bike to my parents! What I would really like to do is invest in the Insanity DVD set and put my mind to finishing the 60 day series. Maybe if I spent that much money on it I would actually finish it? I'm not convinced, I have a track record. :/ 
     Anyway my point is I have this struggle. I'm not normally one to put stuff like this out there online, but I I just felt like I needed an outlet to talk about this. That's kind of what this blog is for. 
      For me I know that the biggest part of my battle is mental. I get myself all psyched up and ready to "do it to it" and then I get hungry. Have you every experienced that personality change that occurs when you are hungry? It's like you aren't even you anymore! All my self control goes out the window and the first thing I reach for is carbs and sugar. But like any poor choice it doesn't really satisfy and it leaves me feeling awful in the long run. For the most part I love healthy food, fresh veggies and real fruit, but when I blow it, I blow it big time. When I "pig out" I don't just eat one cookie, the craving gets to me and I get so fixated  obsessed, I eat the whole bowl of dough till I am miserable! Then once I have let myself have that splurge I am gone, for a week at least. I just don't know how it happens time and time again but I always get to the end of the week looking back at the mess and feeling terrible. 
     I have been feeling for sometime that this sturggle is with something more than just food, I mean it's not healthy the way that I let this all get in my head. I can't remember a time when I sent so much time worrying about food and health like this. Call me crazy but I seriously have wondered if this is some spiritual warfare going on. 
     So for now, I don't have any grand "life changes" I am committing to, or even some diet plan that I am going to power my way through. But I would like to ask you all to keep me in your prayers, I really am desiring to let this go, and really turn it over to the God that made my body and my stubborn metabolism. To try and make a point to quit fixating so on food and cravings and use those thoughts as a reminder to redirect my mind to Him. I feel like my body and my heart would both benefit from this. 
     So this is where I have been lately and would actually like to come to some form of balance and normalcy with instead of these every two week crashes and mood swings. I'm sure this could all be viewed as one of those first world problems, but It's where my heart is right now so if you don't mind. Thank you all for being there, and for listening! You really are the best! 
                

3 comments:

  1. Ack! I think I had some comments... Breanna and Sunny and when I came to publish them the were gone! I don't know what happened! :/

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  2. Hi darling!
    I can't remember exactly what my comment said, but I'll do my best ;)
    I am in the same position as you. Same feelings, same emotions-- a relationship with food isn't really a relationship with food at all-- it's more of a relationship with yourself.
    I read this blog post by Aly at the Mommie Diaries, & it hit home with me a couple months ago: http://www.mommiediaries.com/2012/04/sugar-im-done-with-you.html

    I think it might help you sort out some of your emotions, too? I've found that I'm mainly an emotional eater (shocker!!)... I can't always figure out what's going on in my head to give me those feelings, but instead, I've been trying to take time to re-direct my focus from food to something (anything!) else-- I'll write, read, pray, text a friend, anything. It doesn't always work. Sometimes, I just absent-mindedly just eat oreos & then... I feel like crap. The whole "you are what you eat" thing kind of rings true!

    Anyway, I do recommend that you read Aly's blogpost about her struggles with her sugar addiction... she put everything into words PERFECTLY!

    & I am always here to talk, or if you need support or anything!
    xox
    Breanna

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    Replies
    1. You are Awesome friend, I did indeed head over to Aly's blog and yes indeed she puts into words feelings that I have been having for quite sometime. Thank you so much for your encouragement!

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